My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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