Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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