i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
