Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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