Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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