Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
