I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Who died my cat blue again?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
