When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
