there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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