dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
