im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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