We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
