that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
