I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Mom said you looked used
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
