You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
