Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm at about main and main street
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
