an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
