I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
