the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
