Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
