You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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