omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
