I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
