I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
