Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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