It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
