I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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