Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
