I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
