I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
