I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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