he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
