if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
