Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
