Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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