I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
