If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
