Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
