I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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