sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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