smell my finger.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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