mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
