I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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