That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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