youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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