I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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