He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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