Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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