God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
