17 year olds will be the death of me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
