I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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